Fathers Should Get An Automatic 50% Child Custody

Here’s an extract from my weekly column,  “What’s the Point?” which appears on Tuesdays in the Santa Monica Daily Press. Original column here.

 When a man is first told he is going to be a father, naturally the expectations of what the future will look like pop into his head. He may think of fishing trips and baseball games, ballet recitals and happy holiday memories being created. 

At first he and mom, are getting along great, they both agree on what needs to be done to properly raise a child. Mom’s in charge a lot, at first, because of the necessity to breastfeed, attend to the endless needs of a newborn and her own maternal instincts. This works at first, but it also sets a pattern for dad’s relationship with the child. Mom’s in charge and dad does what mom says to provide for the growth and well-being of the newborn. 

That pattern continues, and hopefully in healthy relationships the parties begin to equalize as the baby becomes a toddler and mom can back off and dad can take on a stronger role.

But not always. Sometimes, the relationship stays imbalanced, those are the ones I think I was seeing this weekend – the detached fathers who have stepped back from an active role in their family, and that’s a shame. They should be contributing and directing the growth and setting the boundaries for their children as much as Mom, if not more.

Sometimes a divorce happens. Then the parties have to come up with a written agreement on how to parent their child. Most parents don’t have too much conflict over this. Thanks to a common heritage, or at least a common set of desires, the Parenting Plan can fairly easily be agreed to. Mom gets Mother’s Day, Dad gets Father’s day, they alternate the big holidays, etc. 

Sometimes though, there is the Grand Battle Royale. Where one parent doesn’t want to share the child. Usually it is mom, who is too attached to her child, and she feels that Dad is a bad influence, lacks parenting skills, is too indulgent, or too strict, “he never shows up on time, he never returns the child on time”, and the most common complaint is that “he has a new girlfriend who is inappropriate.”

This is where the Parenting Plan becomes the roadmap of your relationship, not only with your child, but with your ex. The Parenting Plan will determine when you as a father have time with your child. If you have a cooperative ex, this can be a very flexible agreement, as simple as, “we’ll share the kids”, other times you need to have an excruciatingly specific plan.  This plan will determine how much, how long and how often you have to interact with your ex and your child. If she’s still angry and bitter, the more specific the plan, the easier it will be to have a court, or the police enforce it, and that means the fewer headaches dad will have.

Married dads don’t get to spend a lot of time with their kids, divorced dads get even less. There are few years in which a father has the opportunity to have any long lasting positive effect on his children, he should spend what few hours he has, really making a difference. That’s why I think that more fathers should step up to the plate and take a stronger role in their children’s life. It should be mandatory that if you divorce and have kids, you automatically have the kids 50% of the time.

That wont be popular among many divorced moms, partly because they are still angry, and for some, because they don’t want to see a reduction in their child support. But the reality is that, as a society, we need to have more men, acting like men, and teaching their children what it means to be a man, and that includes their daughters. So that they know what to expect of their future spouses.

Father Wins Celebrity Child Custody Battle

Celebrity Sharon Stone has lost a bid to have her son moved from his stable father’s permanent custody to the circus that is Los Angeles.

The ruling said,  

“Court finds that [Bronstein] can provide a more structured continuity, stable, secure and consistent home.”

Read the full Daily News article here: Sharon Stone Loses Custody Of Son

As usual the headlines make it look like she is the victim, but in reality the child is the winner, by having a stable home life away from the craziness that is the life of a celebrity. Here’s a father who is obviously stepping up to the parenting plate and doing his job.  The court said that absent a change in circumstance, the custody will remain the way it is.  This is typical, and I’ve seen it be the standard in the Los Angeles, Riverside, Ventura and Orange County courts. The reason why is that once a situation is set, courts are very reluctant to make changes to child custody, as stability is the goal in the child’s life.

Parental Alienation Loses Round One In Court

Here’s the latest on Big Daddy and the Psycho Case: 

     I had a win last week, well, as much as anyone wins in the Family Courts. One of the fathers that I’ve been representing for the past 9 months had the value of his relationship to his child validated by the courts. This is a man who is going through an agonizing divorce and child custody battle. We’ve been in court a dozen times seeking and fighting restraining orders, custody orders, visitation enforcements.

     The mom has done everything in her power to prevent dad from seeing his 2 1/2 year old daughter. For 10 weeks she denied him visitation, before he hired me. She has used the Nuclear Option in custody battles and alleged that there sexual molestation by the father, on absolutely no evidence.

     Finally the court ordered an independent evaluation of the respective parenting skills of the parent, which involved full psychological evaluation of all parties. The report came back heavily weighted in favor of my client, and so, in a last ditch effort to alienate the father from his daughter, mom decided she “had to move” out of state.

     Thankfully the judge saw this case, after all the court appearances, and the psychology, for what it was. A mother doing everything she could to rid dad from his daughters life, and he put a stop to it. She can move, but if she does, dad gets full custody here in California. Suddenly she doesn’t quite “need to” anymore.

     This was nothing more than what is called Parental Alienation syndrome and it is is a hot button issue, and which side you come down on, is very much determined by whether you are the parent who is trying to destroy any relationship between your kids and your ex, which frequently masquerades as “protecting the children”, or whether you are the ex, the “target”.

     It is a pattern of behavior that creates fear, anxiety and distrust of the target parent. Frequently it is the mother, but it could be either parent, who tries in subtle, and sometimes not so subtle ways, to create a wedge in the relationship between parent and child.

     The subject is difficult to identify because of what the alienator does, as an example, “Susie, I want you call me as soon as you get to daddy’s house. You know you can ALWAYS call me if you need me.”  On the surface this looks like mom is just being a concerned mother. But the underlying message is that “Dad’s is not a safe environment for you and I’m concerned for your welfare.”

     Many judges, lawyers, therapists, counselors and evaluators will not see this as an example of PAS, but when comments like that pile up, it begins to create a wedge between child and parent. The goal of the alienating parent is to destroy the relationship between parent and child, so that in a child custody case, full custody is given to one parent in contravention of the other’s rights. Father’s already have a hard time with this, as they are usually not the primary caregiver, so already their relationship is being minimized due to time constraints.

     This topic was widely covered in the media in April of 2007, when Kim Basinger released a private family phone call from the father of her daughter, Alec Baldwin. This was a clear attempt at parental alienation, and was in my opinion a wholly inappropriate and mean spirited thing to do. Mr. Baldwin has a book coming out today about his trials and tribulations in Family Court, called “A Promise to Ourselves”. as he said in his public apology,  “I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. (Although I hope you never do.)”

     It is a common belief that men don’t love their children as much as women. Well, in the case I’ve dubbed ‘Big Daddy and the Psycho’, he drives 2 1/2 hours each way, twice a week, to spend 2 hours with his daughter, and every other week he makes that trip a third time, to pick up the baby for a weekend visit. He spends 10 hours a week in traffic, to see his child for a mere 4 hours a week.

     Dads can be, and are, dedicated parents also.

Child Custody Battles – Parental Alienation Resource

Here’s a Parental Alienation resource for telling your side of the story. The folks at www.keepingfamiliesconnected.org are not just building a website, they are living the horror of Parental Alienation. They built this site to help others deal with the pain of the loss, and to hopefully create a roadway back to their children and their lives. It’s a great idea, and they’ve done a wonderul job of setting up an example of what a parent who is fighting for the right to see their kids should do. The video is a great example of a father’s devotion.

If you’re a dad who is experiencing the loss of a child through Parental Alienation, creating a website here, might be the way that your kids can  reunite with you as they grow up.  Parental Alienation Resource

THE CATCH-22 OF CHILD SUPPORT

In the world of raising children, Moms get the right to decide if they are going to have a child, usually they decide how to raise the child, and dad gets to pay – no matter what.

Moms always have two main complaints, 1) “He’s a terrible father – he never spends any time with his child,” and 2) “Child support doesn’t even begin to cover all the costs of raising a child.” It’s the Catch-22 of child support.

Child Support doesn’t cover the costs of having a child in your possession – everyone agrees on that, which means that it is more expensive to support the child when they are in your care. So when Dad wants to take a bigger, more expensive role, in his kids life, mom says it is only to LOWER his Child Support Payments? Yes, that is how the argument goes, because it would lower his child support payments to her, but not what it costs him.

You’d think that when a Dad steps up to the plate and wants more custodial time with his child, Moms would jump at the chance to have Dad shoulder more of the burden – you’d be wrong. Mom’s argument now becomes, “He’s only doing it so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support.”

The choice for men is either be a good Dad, pay more money and ignore the complaints of Mom, or be a bad Father, pay less money and ignore the verbal abuse from Mom.

MORAL OF THE STORY: You’re going to be labeled a “bad Dad” no matter what, either you don’t spend enough time with your kids, which mom will fight you on, or you don’t give her enough money, so do what is right for your kid – be there for them. And pay your child support on time.

THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE FOR MEN

My mother used to say that “rich people have property, poor people have children.” Many a pundit on the right will speak of the “richness of love” that children bring, particularly in the heat of an argument about the abortion rights. This line of argument tends to bring more heat than light, and serves merely to ramp the rancor to such a degree that both sides end up heavily fortified in their respective positions completely disclaiming anything that the other side has to offer of value.

No matter where you stand on the abortion rights spectrum, and it is certainly a spectrum, not matter how much both sides try to portray it as a simple, either or proposition, the issues that are being dealt with, are life changing for all involved. Which is why I am so disappointed at the intellectual dishonesty that occurs on both sides of the debate.

On the Pro-Choice side, I believe it is intellectually dishonest to say that the only life that is effected by an abortion is that of the mother. Patently that is false. It takes at least two to make a baby, and certainly the father has some rights in this debate, since he clearly will have responsibilities should the pregnancy go full term. Since we will require of him 18 years worth of child support, it seems to me, that he has an interest in this pregnancy.

On the Pro-Life side, it is equally as dishonest to say that every life counts, but we shouldn’t be teaching how that life comes to be, or providing the means to prevent it from accidentally occurring. If one truly believes that every life should be saved, then we should be making sure that every life is a wanted life, coming into this world with a set of parents that are at least desirous of the child, if not prepared.

BIG DADDY and the PSYCHO!

Big Daddy is a bear of a man, 6’2″ and 290 pounds. His ex-wife, after their marriage of 2 years, decided that even though he was good enough to sleep with, marry, father a child with, and take his money, he just wasn’t good enough to be a father to their 2 year old daughter.

Mind you, he had THREE other children, by two other wives. BOTH of whom he vacationed with, and stayed with, and whose new spouses even liked him.

Psycho, who was the one that wanted to divorce him currently, says that even though they both did drugs, and both drank too much, he was the alcoholic/drug addict and he should not be allowed near his daughter. She’d take the child support money though.

Moms Don’t Have To Account For Child Support – Dads Do!

Child custody lawyers hear it all the time, “I hate my son’s mom – she’s a liar, cheat, thief, and a slut.” We get to hear all the ugly tales of how two people “hooked up” for a night, and now it’s a lifetime commitment of fatherhood with a woman you didn’t really know, and don’t really like.

“She takes the child support I pay and gets her hair and nails done, and my kid is going without new shoes.” Yup, it’s an old story. Mom only wants the money you pay, for herself.

Sometimes.

Raising a child is expensive, and most child support doesn’t really cover all the high costs of child rearing. But, once a man has “hooked up” with a woman, and she’s pregnant, he’s on the hook for child support, and how she uses it, is her choice.

Moms Don’t Have To Account For Child Support – Dads Do!

No court will make her account for how she spends it. It’s only in the rare cases, like in Kirk Kerkorian’s child support battle, where the lifestyle of the mom, influences how much money dad pays. In Kerkorians case, mom was trying to get as much as possible from the billionaire, and claiming that the child had to have hundreds of thousands of dollars a year in support, which was absurd when she was a toddler.

But some moms think of dads as living ATMs, and there is really only one way to fight this, a father needs to have as much custodial time as possible if he wants to reduce the amount of child support he will have to pay.

The sad facts are that, once a man has made a woman pregnant, he has a responsibility to the child, not necessarily the mom. He has to account for, and be able to prove all the payments he’s made, she doesn’t have to account for how she spends it.

As a father, men have  a role to play in their children’s lives, and the courts recognize it, and it goes beyond just paying child support. Men as dads should be a positive force in their child’s life.

I Can’t Pay My Child Support, Can I See My Kids?

Moms love to link the ability to pay Child Support to Dad’s visitation.

Many moms try to keep the fathers away from the kids, if dad is behind in child support.

THIS IS FLAT OUT WRONG AND EVIL.

You should not be prevented from seeing your kids, just because you can’t afford the child support. Your relationship with your kids goes beyond that of the financial. You’re more than just an ATM for Mom’s needs.

The courts, AND MOM, have to allow you to have time with your kids so that you can build a relationship and bond with them. No one can prevent a willing father from seeing his father, just because he’s out of money.

She’s a Bad Parent – How Can She Have Rights?

This is the cry of many a father who is fighting to save his kids. Of those fathers who come to see me who want to take “full custody” or “primary custody” of their kids, many of them say things about their ex, like that.

I hear stories about moms who are prostitutes, drug abusers, alcoholics, negligent, abusive, mentally abusive, physically abusive, emotionally abusive. I have gone up against moms who hit engage in fights with their children that end up causing scars, both physical and emotional.

The sad fact is that these moms will still get some custody and/or visitation with their children.  The reason why is that even a bad mother, has a right to see her children.

And that goes for dads as well. Even terrible, horrible, abusive fathers, have a right to see their kids. The thing to remember, is that the parents right to share in raising their children is SUPERIOR to even the best interests of the child.

Even if every judge, every lawyer, every counselor says it is in the best interests of the child to not see their parent, that parent still has a right to a relationship with that kid, and a judge will order visitation.