Justice calls for an end to quickie divorces

Check out this article, she writes about how her brother killed himself, but was a great dad, and maybe the costs of being away from his kids lead to the depression.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/07/02/sears.family.divorce/index.html

FATHERHOOD DENIED – The REAL Cause of a Father’s Pain

      I was walking my dog in the park last week, when I struck up a conversation with one of the city workers. He’s a young man who was so happy and proud that he just landed a full time position with the Parks and Recreation department. Now he could support his children better. He’s a young man with a couple of kids that he raises with his ex-girlfriend. Together they have worked out a system for childcare and sharing the responsibilities of parenting. It was a pleasant change from what I normally see.
      I was reminded of a day when I had two separate appointments with men, who were trying to work our co-parenting problems with their exes, and were coming to me after the fact to learn the effects of what they had done.
      One man was an older gentleman who’d raised his first son by himself. In this latest marriage the child was conceived by in vitro fertilization, in the first months, after his wife had left him once and returned, because she wanted a baby, and he thought that would fix their problems. As soon as she was definitely pregnant, she left him for good. It was eleven months into the marriage.
      The second man was a youngster, who was in his early 30s and had just been informed by his non-live-in girlfriend that she was pregnant. She told him that she didn’t really want him to be an active father. She did expect him to pay child support, but didn’t think he should have much to do with the pregnancy or the child afterwards. Though she was fine with him paying for her pregnancy classes.
      Neither of these men were stupid, teenagers or generally impulsive. Both seemed like genuinely decent guys who were just caught up in a relationship dynamic that caused them pain. Neither of them thought they had made a mistake, and both men genuinely wanted to be fathers. The younger one, was actually quite excited to be a father, as it would be his first child.
      I think I understand what drove these women to pick these men. Both were intelligent and good looking. One had a good history as a father and was a strong earner. The other was a good genetic catch in his physicality and emotional makeup.
      Each of these men will eventually get to see their children every other weekend, and once or twice a week for dinners. They might get to share holidays and every other birthday.
      If they pay their child support on time, they can avoid being on the latest Lifetime reality show, “Deadbeat Dads.” A show that is under fire from many quarters for its depiction of dads as uncaring and selfish.
      From where I sit, these guys are getting the short end of the stick. They were used as sperm donors and are now being used as ATM’s. But they don’t see it that way. They see that they are being denied the opportunity to be an active participant in their children’s lives; that they are being denied the rights of fathers for millennia to raise their children. They are cut out of their role as father, and then blamed for not being there.
      Which is a crying shame, because both of them would make great dads given half a chance for more interaction with their children.
      It’s ironic that men like these are the ones who are called selfish and uncaring, because it strikes me that the mothers who deny these men the pleasures of fatherhood, also deny their children the benefits of having a devoted and loving father in their lives. It is those women who so desperately want a child that they will deceive a man into impregnating them, without thinking that he might actually want to be a father, that are the most selfish.
      Which is not to say that there aren’t men who want nothing to do with their children, there are. But for those men who actually want to be a father, and there are a lot of them, when they are used as sperm donors, it’s really painful, and selfish. And the crime of it all, is that the child is the one who loses the most in that situation.

David Pisarra is a Divorce Attorney who specializes in Father’s Rights and Men’s Issues with the firm of Pisarra & Grist in Santa Monica. He can be reached at dpisarra@pisarra.com or 310/664-9969.

CHILD CUSTODY RULES FOR FATHERS

In August of last year I wrote about my belief that parents should be forced to take an equal division of time in their children’s care. I don’t think it’s fair or equitable that the lion’s share of child rearing falls to the mother. Fathers should be required by law to take their children 50% of the time.

Those Republican poster-children, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston had a child out of wedlock, and are now going through the negotiation process of how much access Levi is to be allowed to his son. He says that Bristol, she of the “Family Values” family, wont let him take his son. We see this type of controlling behavior is all too often in our practice, and it is a detriment to the father/child bonding.

I understand that the Johnston child is only a few months old, but that is no excuse in this day and age for a father to be denied solo parenting time. Frequently the mom claims that the father is not a good parent, or too immature, or too uneducated on how to provide for a newborn. I think those are weak arguments at best and disingenuous at worst. If a man is old enough to father a child, to be required to pay child support, then he should be old enough to take up the mantel of parenting.

Today, as it stands, fathers who want to obtain, or increase, their visitation and custody orders need to keep in mind the following: Proximity, Paperwork and Persistence. They can make or break your chances of getting the orders issued by the judge. Most fathers start out a custody case at a disadvantage. When dad moves out, the children are left with mom, and that becomes the way the court is inclined to keep the situation. The moment that dad moves out of the family home, is the moment that mom gains an advantage in child custody hearings.

Here’s why, the courts don’t want to upset the children’s living environment. They focus on keeping the child stable, and that means in their historical home.

So how then does a man recover from the mistake of moving out of the house? He must show to the court that he can effectively parent the child, with as little disruption to the child’s routine as possible.

PROXIMITY

This means how far or close dad lives to the child’s home and school. This is a major factor in increasing, or acquiring, custody and visitation. The closer dad is to the home and school, the more easily he can be present for the child, and the courts give this great weight. If the choice is for a child to be in a car for five minutes getting from mom’s home to school or a 25 minute drive from dad’s home, the court is going to prefer mom’s home. It is also more likely that the child’s friends and social network are close to the school they attend, which is a factor for the court.

PAPERWORK

Cases are won or lost on documentation. Dads should keep a Calendar or a diary of all the time that they are with their child. In any contested case, mom has something that she will use to show the court how little time dad spends with the kids.

A simple calendar which shows the days that dad took his child, and what they did on those days can make all the difference for a change in custody. If dad keeps the receipts for what he did with his child, it will allow his lawyer to prove that he took the child to see the movie Cars on a day when mom says he didn’t visit. This is a crucial credibility issue, and one that with a little bit of work by dad, can yield big gains. The court will see that dad is truthful, and he’s come a long way towards winning the credibility wars, and that can lead to more time with his child.

PERSISTENCE

The biggest factor that effects whether or not a dad will win more visitation or even equal custody, is his ability to come back, time and time again. The successful dad in family court, is the dad who never gave up, and was willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how difficult it was, or how long it took, to prove to the court that he wants and is capable of being a loving, attentive and present father.

The successful dad who wants to increase his custody and visitation, will live close to his child, keep good records, and never give up when dealt a bad hand.

Restraining Orders – The Weapon of Choice for Women

WHY WOMEN PICK A FIGHT – THE RESTRAINING ORDER!

       The man comes home after a long day at work, usually it’s the last part of the week, when he’s really exhausted. The kids are doing their homework but there’s an air of discontent coming from her. He’s done something wrong, but has no idea what. She starts in on him, attacking him verbally. Getting him angrier and angrier. She screams at him not to yell at her, then it happens, those words, “don’t hit me.”

            The next thing he knows. She’s broken some dishes, thrown food around the kitchen, run to the bathroom with the phone, locked the door, and is calling the police.

            By the time the police arrive, she’s been crying in the bathroom, and prepping her story. She’ll tell the police that there was a fight, he broke the dishes and tossed the food in his angry state. Maybe she’ll have hurt herself to make her story more believable.

January is Divorce Season to “Emotionally Clean House”

Here I am quoted in an article in the Hartford Courant on the rate of Divorces and Child Custody Disputes in January.

David Pisarra, a Santa Monica, Calif., divorce lawyer, said he believes the sense of a “fresh start” may contribute to the tone of certainty among his January clients.

“When the calendar turns over, they are kind of ready to emotionally clean house,” he said.

Many of his January clients, Pisarra wrote in an e-mail, will “approach an impending divorce in a more positive manner than they do throughout the year, which we attribute to the ‘new beginning’ mentality that surrounds the new year.”

When a Spouse Wiretaps !!

From Divorce360.com, a story about that Psycho Mom who spent years using her child’s Teddy Bear to record dad’s conversation with the child.

“This is actually a great story about the extremes a psycho mom will go to, and how it only increases the rancor” in a divorce, said California family law attorney David Pisarra. He said the bigger issue, is “how people try to get dirt on the other side and how fruitless it usually is.”

I think that generally people are just wasting their money when they try to discover “dirt” on their ex, in most cases it wont really effect the outcome of the divorce, and only makes everyone that much angrier.

Flat Fee Child Support Modification Quote

I’m quoted in this article on DIVORCE360.COM on the needs of families as they suffer the financial crash, yet need or want to get a divorce.

In our program on the Flat Fee Child Support Modification, if you meet certain criteria, we can do Child Support Modification from filing to court appearance.

A Letter To The Unemployed

            If you’ve just been laid off, or perhaps have been unemployed for quite a while, it must be very scary, to be reading the papers and watching the news. It’s a cruel reality that the more money you used to make, the longer it will be before your next new job. This means that you must take certain actions immediately to come through this safely.

            For most people being unemployed is a terribly stressful time, and to be facing this holiday season, with what so many pundits feel is going to be a horrendous upcoming year, only adds to the overall anxiety. Rather than simply pile on with all the others, I thought I’d dispense some positive actions that people can take to confront the reality.

            It is a common human desire to ‘whistle past the graveyard’ and ignore the dangers. I don’t recommend it. In my ten years of practice, I’ve had many ex-spouses and non-custodial parents who thought that they could ignore the subject of their spousal/child support issues and they would just go away. It doesn’t really work that way.

MADONNA GOES MENTAL ON GUY

 Madonna and Guy Ritchie are entering the world of child custody battles – and it looks like Madonna is taking her cues on how to handle her ex from Kim Basinger, which sets up Mr. Ritchie to be the next famous victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome like Alec Baldwin. On the children’s first visit the Material Girl is setting the stage for a Parental Alienation showdown.

            The topic of Parental Alienation Syndrome  is one that has been receiving renewed interest thanks to the efforts of Alec Baldwin, whose famous child custody battles with his ex-wife to stop interfering with his rights as a father have been the stuff of tabloid fodder for years. Perhaps Madonna is looking to use this latest turn of events in her life, as she has done with every other, as a way to increase her publicity. That would be a very bad idea, but it would seem that she is either getting very bad advice from her lawyers and friends, or she is getting none at all.

            The press is reporting that Madonna has issued 12 commandments for Mr. Ritchie to adhere to, while the children are in his presence, they range from the mild –which books to read, to the absurd – all water they drink should be “blessed” by Kabbalah leaders.

As Economy Slows – Modify Support Orders Soon!

            The news has been bad lately. We are all faced with the increasing challenges of an economy that is quickly turning into a stagnant pool of sickness.

            Most of us don’t spend much time thinking about the economy. So long as we have a job, a home, and a car, we are pretty content to just live our lives and let the people on Wall Street and Pennsylvania Avenue deal with the big picture of the economy.

            Well no more. It’s hitting home for a lot of us. For the business addicts out there like me, we’ve seen it coming. All you had to do was to take a look at the spending patterns to know who the next victim was going to be in the economic meltdown that is occurring.

            The CEO’s of America are engaged in this type of forecasting all the time, it’s the part of the job which requires a willingness to look at the hard cold facts, and take decisive action, no matter how painful it is for the company.

          Because goods are not being sold, retailers who normally pay for their goods months after they receive them, are finding that their cash-flow is tightening up and they can’t make their payments for their rent, and for the products that are lining their shelves. This is why companies like Circuit City are in chapter 11 bankruptcy court, trying to reorganize by cutting underperforming stores and seeking protection from their creditors.

      This will lead to a holiday season of early holiday blowout sales and lowered prices. The problem with that is how it impacts these companies, sales are good for immediate cash-flow, but not necessarily for long term profits.

    I have many clients who come to see me after they are four, five, sometimes many more, months behind on their child support payments. Men in particular are resistant to coming in to see a lawyer about lowering their child support payments when they have been laid off or fired from work.

     This is disastrous. The minute a person is laid off of their job, they need to get in to see a lawyer and have their child support reduced. Even if they don’t actually get in front of a judge to get an actual reduction, they need to have papers filed so that if three months, when they finally see a judge, he can make a retroactive reduction in the child support.

     Filing the paperwork for a child support modification is like drawing a line in the timeline of your work life. It allows the court to lessen your child support financial burden, at a time when you need help.

     It’s a very hard thing for most men to admit that they need help. But not doing so only makes the situation worse in the long run, when a father falls behind in his payments, he suffers an ego blow, at a time in his life when he already feels beaten up by the workplace.

     If more people saw themselves as the CEO of their life they might understand that filing for a child support reduction is equivalent to a corporate restructuring. Just like Circuit City, or Linens N Things, and soon GM,  had to protect themselves, people who are laid off need to take action and see themselves as actively protecting themselves and their futures.